Why Little Mermaid Underwear Terrifies Me



    Little Mermaid Underwear can and will haunt you for the rest of your life.

    Don’t believe me?  Then read on.

    I was shopping for panties for my newly potty trained princess.  I was happily browsing the different selections from Dora, to princesses, to La La Loopsy then abruptly stopped, froze, and cringed when I saw Little Mermaid. 

    My head spun, I broke out in a cold sweat, and I wanted to throw up.  My daughter continued to look at mounds of possibilities of new panties as I was brought back to a moment in my life I would never, ever, ever forget.


I was in the first grade.  It was a beautiful August morning when my mom put me in a pair of my brother’s jeans.  I begged and pleaded that she not put me in, GASP, boy jeans.  She insisted that no one would know and that none of my jeans fit me.  We’d go shopping later.  But little did she know she would scar her child for LIFE.  It would haunt her when she least expected it.

I went to school and spent 99.9% of my time jerking the damned things up and catching them before they fell to my knees.  It was a nightmare.

“Sara, you need to raise your hand if you want to speak,” My PE teacher said.

But what my PE teacher didn’t understand was that I was risking showing my girly business if I let my hands go.  I remember deciding that having to pee wasn’t worth the risk.  I just continued with PE with a full bladder.

The day was miserable.  My arms were tired from acting as suspenders and I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my mom ALL ABOUT IT. I remember rehearsing in my mind all the cruel and nasty things I would say to make sure she never did that to me again.  I was also well prepared to insist we made a trip to a department store for jeans that fit ME.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it was time for recess.  Kids had out the jump ropes.  Double Dutching until their hearts were content.  I sat with one hand on my pants to keep my ass from showing and the other supported my chin as I pouted.  I could double Dutch like no ones business and I wanted to impress them with my mad skills.

Then an idea hit me.  I could jump while holding my pants.  That’d be even more impressive, right?  Not needing my hands to help balance my self as I jump? Way cool.  Wrong.  So wrong.

I went over, waited my turn, and then went to the center of the ropes.  They started turning, the children sang songs, and I jumped while gripping tightly to my pants. 

But little did I know I’d be caught up in the moment and let go of my pants.  Little did I know that my pants would plummet to my feet and my Little Mermaid underwear would be exposed. 

Tears filled my eyes.  Everyone laughed.  And when I say everyone, I mean teachers and kids flocked to the horrific scene and laughed.  Through laughter, a teacher escorted me off the playground, helping me hold my pants up.  She took me to the office so I could hide from the humiliation. 

I couldn’t take it.  I couldn’t face my peers after that.  I remember calling my mom and going home.  My mother never put a pair of pants too big on me again. 


    I didn’t buy my daughter the Little Mermaid panties.  Thankfully, she chose Dora anyway.

    Moral of this story?  Humiliation sucks hard core.  We all know what we feel comfortable in.  Of course, as parents, we have to assist in helping our kids choose tasteful things to wear, but we should also listen to our kids or they might be scared of Little Mermaid Underwear for the rest of their lives. 


Oh, and did I mention the horrific perm I had at the time too??  Look. At. The. Picture.  That was just a bad year.  Thanks, mom.  Thanks. 


    What things do you remember from your childhood that you wish you didn’t?


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